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1. When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete’s feet don’t exist, there’s something wrong.
2. I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.
3. My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn’t a Christian, she would stomp you to death.
4. I never thought I’d see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.
5. It’s cool to be healthy.
6. If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.
7. We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn’t it either. I’m going to be an American Citizen. First class.
8. When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, ‘I’ve been gypped,’ or, ‘He welshed on the deal.’
9. I tell people, ‘If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.’
10. Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.
11. I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I’m looking for the crack in the fabric.
12. To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
13. There is a limit on how much information you can keep bottled up.
14. My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that’s never been explained.
15. Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don’t have the ability to be lovable.
16. I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
17. People with high blood pressure, diabetes — those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
18. And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.
19. You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.
20. I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp — just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.