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1. In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
2. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.
3. No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
4. Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
5. Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.
6. Polite conversation is rarely either.
7. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
8. If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
9. If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.
10. I must take issue with the term ‘a mere child’, for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
11. The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
12. Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
13. As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
14. Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.
15. I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
16. My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.
17. Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step — it is an old business procedure.
18. Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
19. Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
20. You’re only as good as your last haircut.