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1. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
2. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
3. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
4. The status quo sucks.
5. Always do whatever’s next.
6. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
7. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
8. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
10. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
11. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
12. When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
13. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
14. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
15. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
16. Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
19. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
20. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.