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  1. Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  2. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  3. I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  4. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  5. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
  6. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
  7. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  8. Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
  9. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  10. No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.
  11. I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
  12. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  13. The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution — this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
  14. I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
  15. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  16. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions — the curtain was up.
  17. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
  18. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  19. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.
  20. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

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