1. For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
  2. Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
  3. If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
  4. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?
  5. The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.
  6. Euphemisms are unpleasant truths wearing diplomatic cologne.
  7. I recommend limiting one’s involvement in other people’s lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.
  8. Nothing more rapidly inclines a person to go into a monastery than reading a book on etiquette. There are so many trivial ways in which it is possible to commit some social sin.
  9. The young always have the same problem — how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
  10. It is not the simple statement of facts that ushers in freedom; it is the constant repetition of them that has this liberating effect. Tolerance is the result not of enlightenment, but of boredom.
  11. However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.
  12. Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone — but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding.
  13. An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing.
  14. The poverty from which I have suffered could be diagnosed as ‘Soho’ poverty. It comes from having the airs and graces of a genius and no talent.
  15. In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.
  16. There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the world should know; the third is that you can’t think what to do with the long winter evenings.
  17. You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
  18. The consuming desire of most human beings is deliberately to plant their whole life in the hands of some other person. I would describe this method of searching for happiness as immature. Development of character consists solely in moving toward self-sufficiency.
  19. Though intelligence is powerless to modify character, it is a dab hand at finding euphemisms for its weaknesses.
  20. Health consists of having the same diseases as one’s neighbors.

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